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Return to About Divorce Mediation
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Choosing A Divorce Mediator
by Julie Denny
Questions from Julie and Answers from Philip Crump
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Supporting Effective Agreement
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Finding and
selecting a mediator can be easier if you follow some simple steps. In the
best of circumstances, divorce is an uncomfortable process. Take the time to
assure you have a mediator whom you like, respect and believe to be qualified
to help both of you negotiate that equitable settlement. Start by generating
a list of four or five mediators in your area. Comparison shopping is just as
important here as anywhere else. By talking to a number of mediators you will
not only become clear on which one feels right for you, but you will also
familiarize yourself with the process, the topics you'll need to discuss, the
costs associated with mediated divorces and the issues involved in selecting
a mediator. Names of mediators are available through several channels
including Mediate.com
, the Yellow Pages, state mediation associations, and local attorneys,
therapists and clergy. In compiling your list don't rule out mediators a
little distance away from your home. The right mediator may be worth a drive.
Now call each of the mediators and check him or her out. Factors to consider
in choosing your mediator are:
1. What is
the mediator's training? Anyone can hang up a shingle and call herself a
mediator. The basic Divorce Mediation training is 40 hours.
As indicated in my professional resume,
I have over three hundred hours of mediation, conflict resolution and
facilitation training since I began in early 1992.
2. How long
has the mediator been practicing? [A note here: I remember with gratitude the couple
who took a chance on me when I was just beginning. When I told the prospect I
was just starting out, she responded, "Well you have to start
somewhere," and set up an appointment. I don't want to deny my
colleagues the opportunity I had, but if you decide to go with a beginner, do
so in full knowledge that they are less experienced.]
My first mediations were in Metro Court
in Albuquerque and in the Parent-Teenager mediation program in Santa Fe in
early 1992. I mediated an employment situation successfully—at my place of
work. My first divorce case (1992) involved a couple who each called
independently; I had stood up with them at their wedding! We’re all still
friends.
3. How many
divorce cases has he mediated? Mediators often handle community and business
disputes as well as divorce. The issues involved in divorce are very specific
and a certain level of knowledge about those issues is critical. Make sure
the mediator has adequate experience with divorce mediation.
I don’t know how many cases I have mediated
in 18 years. A lot. I kept my day job until January of 1999, then went to
full time solo practice. I have mediated hundreds of cases, at least, in a
wide variety of fields beyond divorce.
4. Does the
mediator have any references? Can the mediator provide you with names of other
mediators, therapists, or attorneys who will vouch for his or her
qualification? Because mediation is confidential, the mediator may not be
able to give you names of former clients.
Right. I cannot name clients, even
though some have offered. Call any Family Court judge in Albuquerque or many
of the Family Law practitioners in Santa Fe. I can give you lots of names of
professionals who have sent clients.
5. Is s/he
viewed as an authority on the process of mediation? Has the mediator written
any articles or served on any association boards, trained others or made any
speeches on the subject of mediation?
I have been on the board of the New
Mexico Mediation Association in previous years. I have served as trainer for
State employees as well as in private settings. I have most recently been a
co-trainer at the UNM Law School in Basic and Family mediation trainings.
6. What is
his mediator's style? Mediator's processes vary significantly. It is useful to
understand that some mediators are highly directive, offering evaluation of
likelihood a judge will sign off on one or another option in court and giving
you concrete proposals for resolution of conflicts; other mediators opt for a
more facilitative approach empowering the couple over and over again to make
their own choices through deft questioning and discussion. Neither is right
or wrong. They are just different. Ask yourself how much in control of the
negotiation you and your spouse want to be. Get the mediators to discuss their
approach to mediation. It will help you become more knowledgeable about the
process.
I‘ll tell you about my style, which
ranges from facilitative to transformative. I am firmly committed to helping
people express their own needs in ways that others can hear clearly and
respond, not react. I am firmly committed to helping people make their own
decisions. I don’t decide anything, don’t make anybody do anything and don’t
twist arms.
7. What are
the mediator's fees? These vary significantly from region to region, but a
comparison of various mediator's fees in your area will be useful. Most
mediators require payment at each session. Some will take a retainer up
front. There may be a flat fee for preparation of the Memorandum of
Understanding, the final document of the mediation. Clarify and compare.
I have a standard rate, which I will
tell you about. I charge mostly for direct mediation and preparation.
Sometimes I charge travel if long distances are involved. Generally, my
clients split the cost. I ask that participants bring their checkbooks.
8. Does the
mediator offer a free consultation? This is a great way to get to know the mediator
and become familiar with the process. Not everyone offers it, but you should
ask. Sometimes mediators offer the consultation free if the couple continues
with the process and charge a minimal fee if they don't.
Yes—I allow up to 30 minutes of
no-obligation timer (preferably with everyone present and face-to-face), to
allow you to meet me, learn about my style and format and make informed
decisions about proceeding or not.
9. Does the
mediator have materials to help you make your decision? They might include a
website, a brochure, specific information on the mediator, overview of
divorce in your state, child support guidelines, issues to be covered in
divorce mediation, relevant articles. Materials are a reflection of
mediators. If you have the sense the materials are slap-dash, so might the
process be. If on the other hand, the materials are instructive, relevant and
well put together, it's more likely the mediator's process also will be.
I have lots of “homework” and handouts
for you. I believe that when people can do a lot of work outside the
mediation, everyone is better off.
10, What is
the mediator's point of view about your having an attorney? Good mediators recommend
that attorneys for both parties review the agreement, a Memorandum of
Understanding, before it is signed. This assures you protection from any
legal oversights during the mediation. Mediators frequently can supply
clients with a list of mediation-friendly attorneys who will protect you from
those legal oversights without undermining your choice to collaboratively
negotiate.
Some of my best friends are lawyers.
No, really. I subscribe to the statement above. Attorneys most often are
helpful, creative, supportive and provide the reassurance that everything is
done well.
11. How do
you feel about the mediator? Chemistry counts. Divorce is never fun. If you are
uncomfortable with a mediator, for any reason, you should seek another one.
I sometimes say, “If you are anxious,
that means you are paying attention.” Yes, mediation is not easy if done
well. Most people find sitting down with someone they’ve been in conflict
with to be stressful. It should not be overwhelming. Tell me your needs and
we can look for a format that will be safe, reasonably comfortable and
productive.
Let me know if you have experienced
domestic violence, so that we can establish reasonable safeguards. I do
not subscribe to the belief that mediation is always inappropriate in
situations of domestic violence. However, there are many safeguards that can
be put into place, if it is determined that mediation may be appropriate.
http://www.mediate.com/articles/denny.cfm# July 2000
Julie Denny biography and additional articles:
http://www.mediate.com/people/personprofile.cfm?auid=10
Call or email me—
let’s talk about your
situation and whether mediation with me might be productive.
Philip Crump
1301-e Luisa
Street [Map]
Santa Fe, New
Mexico 87505
505-989-8558
Contact
me by email!
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