|
|
|
Philip Crump,
Mediator Ask for information! |
“I just wish we’d come here years ago....”
--Client
negotiating post-divorce parenting issues
About
Divorce, Family and Relational Mediation
|
If you are ending your marital relationship, you will find that mediation offers
you a way to make mutual parenting and financial settlement decisions
together; no stranger is going to tell you what to do. Mediation allows you
to stay in control of the process and to work cooperatively toward mutually
satisfactory conclusions, without staggering legal expense and in a
reasonable amount of time. I invite you to see mediation as an investment in
your future, in your self-respect and in moving ahead with your lives. If you are
committed to preserving your
relationship but experiencing difficulty arising from poor communication
regarding important issues, you will find that mediation can help you safely
explore these issues and negotiate new agreements to stay together. If you are questioning whether to remain together—and
under what circumstances—you will find it helpful to be a private arena in
which to discuss and negotiate behaviors and examine appropriate
decision-making pathways for the future. Parents will find this
especially helpful in preserving positive co-parenting relationships that
will endure throughout your lives. For parents, divorce represents a change,
not a complete termination, of the relationship—a transition to a new system
for co-parenting together. Regardless of the specific issues, I will ask you
to state your positive goals for
the process— • What are your positive
goals—for yourself and for both of you? At a time of
great emotional distress--as hopes and dreams are dashed, as the most beloved
becomes the object of less positive feelings--mediation provides a
confidential means of making collaborative decisions, without having to give
in to the urge to lash out. It is not magic, however; it takes honest
intention to work things out with a minimum of overt anger to preserve
dignity and best interests of all involved. (If you want to
get even or to win at any cost or to punish the other person, I may not be
able or willing to help you.) Mediation takes
a lot of work and especially a willingness to understand that there is
another perspective—even if you don't agree with it. "Doing it for the
sake of the children" means sometimes agreeing to actions you don't like
but are willing to accept because they will support a healthy relationship
between a child and the other parent, or will be of ultimate benefit to the
child. NOTE: I am happy to provide a brief no-cost opportunity
for potential clients to meet me, ask about the process and decide whether to
proceed; if the “fit” of style and approach do not seem right, I will help
potential clients find other sources for mediation services. Contact me! I believe
strongly that parents can—and should—act in the best interests of their
children. To this end, I am engaged as a co-trainer in an exciting new
program to help make life safe and healthy for children and
parents, one family at a time, by providing services for families
experiencing separation and/or divorce. Children First New Mexico provides
workshops to teach co-parenting skills, safe places for parents to transfer
children and support groups for children in schools Check out the short
description of Children First services or the
website for Children First New Mexico. I am a trained
professional mediator with over 14 years of experience in divorce, child
custody and other family issues. My background is varied and includes
experience in social science and education. I am neither an attorney nor a
psychologist. I will not even begin
to give legal advice or psychological counseling! For further information,
please refer to my Professional
Resume. In addition, as
a long-time member of the national professional association for family
mediators, I conform to the Model Standards of Practice
for Divorce and Family Mediation, previously adopted by
the American Bar Association. What about attorneys? While many people
understandably want to avoid the cost of attorney fees, I do encourage people
who are engaged in processes with legal consequences to consult with
attorneys. Good attorneys—those with plenty of experience, business and
integrity—will provide limited consultation on a per-hour basis. This
consultation will provide the participants with knowledge of the legal
implications of their decisions and give them confidence that they are acting
within their legal rights and obligations. I
am the only Mediator member of the New Mexico and Santa Fe Collaborative Practice Group.
The essential elements of Collaborative Law include: (1)
a commitment by all the professionals and parties to negotiate from the outset
of a case, with a contractual agreement not to litigate the case, (2)
use of interest-based negotiation, (3)
participation of parties and professionals in face-to-face meetings, and
I will help you
be your best at the mediation table, so you can make thoughtful and durable
decisions that will stand the test of time. Let's talk!
OTHER TYPES OF RELATIONAL MEDIATION Same-gender couples face special problems in
a state in which there is no recognized legal sanction for their personal
relationships. When these partnerships are dissolved, they are treated under
contract law, not family law. As one lawyer-mediator has written: Same
sex separations are, of course, every bit as emotionally charged and messy as
heterosexual divorces. Property division is far more messy. This is due in
large part to the absence of a governing body of law. Unmarried
partners—whether they choose to be unmarried or are forced to remain
unmarried because the state will not recognize their union—must rely solely
on contract law, and frequently must rely on oral contracts. An
oral contract is enforceable as to many types of property, including artwork,
home furnishings, electronics, jewelry, flatware and lots of other things
that couples buy together. Unfortunately, the average person does not think
in terms of recording his intentions with a well-rehearsed speech whenever he
or she makes a domestic purchase. Thus litigation involving claims that an
oral contract was broken are quagmires of "he said" versus
"she said", testimony. Liar's contests, as these situations are
sometimes called, are expensive. They are not susceptible to pre-trial
judgments or dismissals, because they call for the judge to actually listen
to the testimony, and judge the credibility of the witnesses before making a
ruling. Attorney's fees are particularly onerous when the same pot of money
that would otherwise be divided, is being used to pay for two sets of
lawyers. The answer is simple: Do not litigate. Mediate. Worry less about
what a court would be likely to say is an appropriate division of property. (from Same
Sex Divorce Mediation by Donald Crane at www.mediate.com) Mediation, then, is an appropriate and useful way for these partners to
create an orderly parting without the expense and rancor of litigation.
Similarly, Relational Mediation can help same-gender couples
clearly articulate individual issues and create new understanding and
agreements that will preserve their lives together. |
